I'm fucking miserable.

Why?

Because its my own damn fault. Its my damn fault for being lazy and not even believing in myself to the point of not even caring, not even trying anymore. I should just accept the fact that I am a failure at life. I have no motivation, no will power. Why the fuck is that? I know I'm not the only lost soul in society. People seem to only be motivated by money. I mean that's the reason why my cousin quit art school to become a nurse, right? Not because he actually wanted to. Money's the reason why my cousin in the Philippines wants to be a nurse also, because he can come to America and make money? MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!! FUCK IT!! Money's the reason people do things they don't want. Fuck getting rich, if you like collecting shit off the streets all day and crafting jewelry from it, then so be it. Do what you fucking want because even though money is important, being happy is what really matters. I'd rather be clueless as to what I want in life then work at a job I fucking hate. That's the state I'm in right now, yes, it sucks but I'm not gonna further punish myself by doing things I don't want to do. I really don't want to wake up in my late 40s and feel that everything I did up to that point was a big mistake. I never want to be a housewife, I wouldn't mind having kids but the thought of staying home all day everyday, pisses me off right now, I don't know how stay at home moms do it. Right now I'm pissed cuz I had a yelling contest with my dad about my little sister. I swear each generation of kids is worse than the last. I don't hate kids but you've got to admit that kids have become more needy and clingy and less independent over time. Hell, my sister can't even make up her own opinion about anything without consulting anyone first. All she does is stare at the tv blankly and doesn't even look at me when I ask her where our older sister is. Then my dad calls me on my cell when my little sis knows I'm at home, she knows that I asked her where our sister is, but of course she was too busy watching the mind numbing Hanna Montana or some equally crappy Disney or Nick show to actually look me in the face and PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!! So I just basically yelled all this to my father, yes, to his face. I'm glad my father didn't hit me, there were times when I would get spankings but times have definitely changed. Why does it seem that parents raise each kid after the previous one with less restraint? I admit, I'm no better than my little sister. I'll be living in this house till I'm married because I know I can't live on my own yet. My older sister is more mature and more ready to face the "real world" than both me and my little sister combined. I can't really cook, I know shit about cars, I can't change a tire, I can barely go to the doctor's office alone because my mom knows all the insurance crap you need to put on a form, and blah blah blah, etc. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one like this it fucking sucks. The most important class I even had was Health/Careers. I mean at least you learn how to write and balance a check, that's shit you actually need in the real world. Schools are shit, they are just big fancy babysitting centers. I feel like most of what I'm learning is just filler, the real learning come from outside the class not in it.

Phew, I feel better now. I don't think I made much sense, in fact I think I even contradicted myself in the beginning but I'm too lazy to make sure.

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