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I'm fucking miserable.

Why?

Because its my own damn fault. Its my damn fault for being lazy and not even believing in myself to the point of not even caring, not even trying anymore. I should just accept the fact that I am a failure at life. I have no motivation, no will power. Why the fuck is that? I know I'm not the only lost soul in society. People seem to only be motivated by money. I mean that's the reason why my cousin quit art school to become a nurse, right? Not because he actually wanted to. Money's the reason why my cousin in the Philippines wants to be a nurse also, because he can come to America and make money? MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!! FUCK IT!! Money's the reason people do things they don't want. Fuck getting rich, if you like collecting shit off the streets all day and crafting jewelry from it, then so be it. Do what you fucking want because even though money is important, being happy is what really matters. I'd rather be clueless as to what I want in life then work at a job I fucking hate. That's the state I'm in right now, yes, it sucks but I'm not gonna further punish myself by doing things I don't want to do. I really don't want to wake up in my late 40s and feel that everything I did up to that point was a big mistake. I never want to be a housewife, I wouldn't mind having kids but the thought of staying home all day everyday, pisses me off right now, I don't know how stay at home moms do it. Right now I'm pissed cuz I had a yelling contest with my dad about my little sister. I swear each generation of kids is worse than the last. I don't hate kids but you've got to admit that kids have become more needy and clingy and less independent over time. Hell, my sister can't even make up her own opinion about anything without consulting anyone first. All she does is stare at the tv blankly and doesn't even look at me when I ask her where our older sister is. Then my dad calls me on my cell when my little sis knows I'm at home, she knows that I asked her where our sister is, but of course she was too busy watching the mind numbing Hanna Montana or some equally crappy Disney or Nick show to actually look me in the face and PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!! So I just basically yelled all this to my father, yes, to his face. I'm glad my father didn't hit me, there were times when I would get spankings but times have definitely changed. Why does it seem that parents raise each kid after the previous one with less restraint? I admit, I'm no better than my little sister. I'll be living in this house till I'm married because I know I can't live on my own yet. My older sister is more mature and more ready to face the "real world" than both me and my little sister combined. I can't really cook, I know shit about cars, I can't change a tire, I can barely go to the doctor's office alone because my mom knows all the insurance crap you need to put on a form, and blah blah blah, etc. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one like this it fucking sucks. The most important class I even had was Health/Careers. I mean at least you learn how to write and balance a check, that's shit you actually need in the real world. Schools are shit, they are just big fancy babysitting centers. I feel like most of what I'm learning is just filler, the real learning come from outside the class not in it.

Phew, I feel better now. I don't think I made much sense, in fact I think I even contradicted myself in the beginning but I'm too lazy to make sure.

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I am an idiot.

I probably should have chosen my words more carefully. I probably should have said it straight out instead of going around it. The trouble is I've never been good with words especially when talking to people on the phone. I dunno, its hard to think quick when you're kind of put on the spot. I tried writing down what I wanted to say, but that's proven not to be so reliable.

How can I learn to talk on the phone well and proper? I need to develop my phone communication skills................

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Guys can be difficult to figure out, but I suppose they feel the same way about girls. This whole gender misunderstanding is really annoying. How will I know if I really upset a guy? Everybody's different too! I mean, what upsets one person, might not upset another. I hate having to be cautious when I'm trying to be myself, but at the same time, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I guess that's why I get jealous of people that say they don't care what other people think. They must have a lot of confidence. Its just hard to keep up this balancing act, you have to please so many people in your life, your parents, your relatives, your friends, your teachers, your peers, your co-workers, your boss......is it selfish to put yourself at the front of the line? I want everyone to be happy and okay, but what do I want for myself? Why do I have to worry about other people, can't I just try to focus on my own thing? I doubt these people care about me the way I do them. I need to stop focusing on other people, if I keep doing that, of course I'll be unhappy because I keep comparing myself to them. I need to set goals and realize them for myself, not anyone else. I've got to stop worrying so much about other people. I've got to learn to take care of myself and learn to grow up, otherwise my parents will never see me as an adult, time to get serious. I can't look down on myself anymore, or I'll go nowhere, I need some confidence damnit! The problem is, where do I find it?

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